"Why?", you may ask. "I could be looking at cats; or dogs; or my friend's social media; or naked people; or a decent band's webpage; or hacking various government's internal security systems." All those things may be important, but they don't even compare to what this blog is about... dancing.
Now I can hear your whirring brain click into place. "Dancing, of course! That makes sense." There is literally nothing more important than that. However, despite the ridiculous importance of dancing I have been noticing something terrifying at our shows, that may well shock you. Everyone seems to have forgotten how to do it. Unless flinging debris at the band counts now; or looking on with disgust; or even worse, just bobbing your head along without moving a single atom of your body at all below the neck. We appear to be in a crisis.
I'm not going to pretend that I'm the world's best dancer, or the second best or the third. As the fourth best dancer in the world though, I feel I have the expertise to guide you back from the depths of darkness where you (the world) seem to have fallen. I have an endless arsenal of dance moves at my disposal and I feel it best that I explain as many of them to you as I can. This way, next time you find yourself at some sort of music show where the beat is pumping through your limbs and you're scared and confused at what to do, you will be absolutely and completely prepared to deal with it in any situation.
So without further ado, I will go on to explain this blog's dance move: the lawnmower.
The Lawnmower
This dance move is prestigious and iconic. It has stood the test of time from all the way back when people started using lawnmowers to now. Yet it is simple and easy to employ for all you novices to dancing out there. The only thing you need to have done to be able to utilise this dance move, is used a lawnmower. That's a pretty broad spectrum of people right there. If you haven't used one and you're not in a third world nation and haven't spent your entire life in poverty, then you're a bad person. Go away and mow a lawn, now.
Now for all of you that have used a lawnmower it is practice time. There are two different parts to this move that can be employed at different times in a song. The first part: pulling the starter cord. It is time to employ that valuable mowing experience we mentioned earlier. All you have to do is: from a relaxed standing pose, imagine you have a lawnmower in front of you. Now, reach down (physically) and pull the imaginary lawnmower cord. Now, keep pulling. The imaginary lawnmower in question is a hunk of junk so you're going to have to keep pulling that starter chord over and over in time to the music. Do it for as long as you feel is best, but I like to go for a verse at least. Occasionally, i'll stop and kick the imaginary lawnmower (also in time with the music), before going back to pulling the chord.
Ok, now part 2. This is where your frustration is finally released and you get to mow. It's usually good to transition to part 2 when there is a transition in the song, maybe going from verse to chorus. Now, keeping in time with the music your going to pull one last time, give a single satisfied nod, then begin to mow stepping in time. Mow your way around the dance floor, which is now a lawn, before the imaginary mower inevitable breaks down again and you go back to pulling the chord.
And that's it. Completely simple and easy to do. You can keep repeating it for as many songs as you wish, it'll just keep on going, as it's imaginary. I realise that the world will need many more dance moves as it is completely and utterly void of them at the moment, but for the present this is a good starter. Practice it everywhere you can and you'll get it in no time: you could lawnmower your way to work; through a boring meeting; to the shops -wherever! Needless to say, I will be very disappointed and enraged if there is not a vast increase in people doing this within a realistic time-frame of this post inevitably going super-viral. Have fun!
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