Sunday, 25 March 2018

The Important Stuff

It is time to get back to the important stuff: dancing. I observed in the post below (Damn You Are So Lucky) that all humans have forgotten how to dance, and it is up to the 4th best dancer in the world (me) to retrain humanity in the most awesome of arts.

Now in the first post we went through the Lawnmower. Unfortunately, that hasn't gone viral yet so I haven't seen crowds of people lawmowering their way to work.. However, it remains a matter of time until this happens. I am aware that those of you that have begun using the lawnmower in your long, long journey back to dancing redemption, will already be craving additional dances to add to your personal arsenal of moves. I mean, gigs can last a few hours.. that's a long time to be doing the same dance move over and over.... even if it is as epic and majestic as the lawnmower.

Fortunately, some of you have been especially motivated to re-educate the human race and have been creating some new moves! I have a couple of these to share with you from a man who only referred to himself as... Jagerlad. These are tentaviely named "Changing the Lightbulb" and "Feeding the Chickens".

Both these moves are even simpler than the lawnmower and require their own unique experiences to perform. In order to complete "Changing the Lightbulb" you merely have to be an adult or an extra responsible child to have the experience necessary: changing a light bulb (shocking I know). Now the light bulbs in question are imaginary and numerous.. never-ending in fact, and always within arms reach. To perform the move you simply have to twist as many light bulbs off as you can in time to the music, alternating from right hand to left hand, and then twisting new light bulbs back on.. after you've done a few dozen. This can be particularly good during a catchy chorus.

For "Feeding the Chickens" you may have to have experience working on a farm or own some chickens to qualify for the necessary experience. I appreciate that this may take a bit of time so you can probably get the knowledge required by watching a youtube video of someone feeding some chickens.. here you go:

All studied up? Now that you are a chicken feeding swot the dance move will be easy for you to master. Simply, in time to the music you wanna throw some imaginary food to some imaginary chickens gathering around you. Generally when beginning it is easier to imagine throwing food to around a dozen chickens but gradually you can work your way up to feeding hundreds. For further challenge replace the word "chickens" with "cheetahs" and act that out in time to the music.

And that's it for this introduction to two new dance moves courtesy of Jagerlad  Feel free to mix it up, swapping between these and the Lawnmower within the same song. Needless to say, I will expect to see many people changing light bulbs and feeding various species of animal at our next gig when this post inevitably goes viral.

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Police, Thieves and Merchants Chapter 5: Can Will Must

Can Will Must

Sandra stared hard at the thief's hand edging toward his knife as he stared towards where his thieving comrades had disappeared into the thick, green habitat surrounding him.
She wondered if Kendra's plan would work as she moved slowly to a poised position at the edge of the clearing.
How will I get rid of him now that she's left him behind?”she pondered. Her mind flitted to possibilities and managed to get distracted. She thought of how much easier it would be if she had the power to bring down lightning. She could get rid of the threat with one smashing strike. However then there would be the potential damage to the injured merchant to consider, as well as herself and anyone else in the forest. Would it be possible for the lighting to cause a fire? If so how long would it take for it to spread? Would she have time to put it out or would she have to peg it? Possibly grabbing the merchant and dragging him along. Could she bear to leave a living, innocent man to face the raging inferno she had created?
The sharp hiss of steel brought her mind back to the present. How long had she lost focus? The thief held the knife over the merchant, a sneer on his lips.
Too bad you won't tell us where to go, it was a simple question.”
The north! The north! There are tons of cities in the north! Just keep heading that way and you'll be able to find someone who knows better.”
Too vague... too... vague, we might as well kill you on sight for such useless information.”
Sandra was breathing harder, she couldn't believe she'd lost concentration! As her confidence flickered she forced herself to strengthen her resolve. She can do this. She will. She must.
The stone arced through the air and fizzed behind the thief's head only to crash into the bracken on the far side of the open area. The thief was alert at once and turning towards the sound, knife warily waving out in front of him. Sandra was off as soon as she threw the stone, bare feet skipping across the ground, breath shallow in her ears.
Inside her mind she was praying that he wouldn't turn round. It was such a simple trick but it could work as long as she was quick, silent and unrelenting. Her foot snagged a thorn and lip tightened a the thief yelled
Who goes there?! Come and face me!” Raw power and aggression evident in his voice, with arm open as if in welcome to an attack. The merchant on the ground gasped as the thief was struck hard against his skull. Sandra felt the juddering, crunching blow through her arm at the impact of her blunt weapon. The thief saw white and staggered but managed to whip round the knife sawing at the air. The stick cracked and broke once again against the thief's head. Sandra had managed to anticipate and circle around the knife's path as she moved in for her attack. As the thief fell sprawling onto the floor Sandra went to her pack to remove her irons and lock him up. She hurried, having no idea how successful Kendra had been. Once done she grabbed the merchant and left the clearing leaving the thief locked up in the centre. She had no time to escort the villain to Batesmoor but if Kendra did come back they could take the thieves, the wine and the merchant together. However, if Kendra had failed and potentially had been killed Sandra was losing potential running time by waiting. The merchant was wheezing next to her, occasionally questioning why they weren't running. Sandra waited and listened to the sounds of the forest. A bird calling to it's mate among the treetops and a rustle to her left as a small mammal moved through the debris from a fallen tree. There was no sound of a return by Kendra or the thieves yet. She stopped and waited to see the consequences of her decision. She could only wait a few minutes.

Kendra sprinted through the undergrowth, wine under her arm. She didn't need the thieves to follow her far, just a few hundred yards to seal their demise. Unfortunately, they were proving better sprinters than she would have guessed and were hurtling after her down the path. The closest had a knife drawn with a look part of hunger, part of fury on his face. His long gangly legs producing heavy footfalls that resounded around Kendra's head as she ran. The second was just a step behind him as far as she could tell, his pace more considered more measured. As she glanced back however she saw the look of fury on him too.
Good,” thought Kendra as the gap between them closed further and further. Their heavy breathing just behind spurred her on as they scrabbled and jumped down the cluttered and unpredictable forest path. She jumped over a particularly hazardous root and landed well, only to hear a pursuer come jumping over a second later. They were almost upon her! She zig-zagged as the nearest made a lurch for her feeling the knife whistle past dangerously close to her back. She twisted away and stumbled against a solid rock or root hidden under the carpet of leaves. She fell backwards watching as a look of triumph emerged across the thief's face. She gasped aloud as the thief made a second lunge. At that moment her foot kicked out catapulting her to the side of the path. The thief's momentum carried him forward, past the point where she fell to launch head first forward through the blanket of leaves that covered the trap below. The second thief was a moment behind cartwheeling his arms as the depth of the trap was revealed to him. Kendra had quickly bounced back from her fake fall to pivot round with arms planted on the edge of the trap and feet spiralling round to kick the remaining thief in the backside and send him sprawling into his comrade below.

Friday, 2 March 2018

Band Watching 2.0

Band Watching

So this is the blog post where I point out some bands that I've enjoyed on our many great journeys gigging across the entire of... Sheffield, so far. While none of these bands have agreed to do the lawnmower dance with me they did pay some great music, and I guess that's something to look for in a band as well? To be clear though, when another band does the lawnmower they will be the highlight of this list.

Frank Grimes and the Disasters
I suspect these guys may be fans of American cartoons for some reason.... I love the name and I enjoyed the music when they joined us in supporting Courage my Love at Corporation in November. Their tunes are catchy pop punk- right up my street, and very singable- I wished I knew the lyrics when we saw them perform live but I had to make do with saying “something something something” over and over. It's refreshing to know that there is a pop punk band like this so close to us (based in Barnsley) that I can follow. Check out their youtube channel for music and lyrics videos of their songs....

Ample Funk
Funky, funky, funksters. I'm not sure if funksters is a word, probably not, but these guys deserve the title as they provide exactly what their name suggests with ample amount of funk. I literally could not stop my knee jerking to the sound of the bass as they played through their set at the Washington, keeping me mesmerized throughout. They fortunately have uploaded some of their funky songs onto youtube so everyone can enjoy the funkiness..

Idle Gentlemen
Finally idle gentlemen, who I also saw at our Washington gig, were very stylish on stage and also played some groovy rock music. I especially enjoyed the powerful vocals but the entire band kept me very much entertained- very easy to head bang too. They also have a youtube and soundcloud where you can check out some of their super cool tunes..

That's it for the blog this week, check back for more band watching; dance moves; lyrics explaining or rages against the system of clowns that keep balloons enslaved to the ground.