Sunday, 29 July 2018

Tom's Top 10 Stages

Mr bassist has always kept a keen eye out looking for his next favourite stage. His enthusiasm and detail-oriented approach has made him somewhat of an expert on what makes a top stage to play on or spectate a band. Here is his top 10 list for best stages in the world:

10th "There is a house in New Orleans, they call the rising sun and it's been the ruins of many a poor boy and god I know I'm one."
A popular song lyric but the house also contains a popular stage for Tom.


9th "Eckington Civic Centre around 8/9/10 years ago."
Here Tom appears to be thinking of the first stag he played on live... many bands ago.


8th "Within the Deep French Southern Forest there is a Tavern tucked away
behind Le Sutassia (mountain) and it's called the H3D."
It's not surprising a tavern made this list as Tom does love a good tavern, always drinking his ale and mead there before slaying a dragon.

7th "The Royal Beech Tree in Somalia."
I'm not sure if Tom is referring to the name of a music venue or an actual tree here.. either way it has a stage and it's the 7th best in the world.

6th "The Northernmost Icelandic village, whose name currently escapes me,
has a lovely cafe with a stage in back called Ace, it is literally ACE!"
From google maps I suspect he's referring to Raufarhofn, in the north east of the country.

5th "Antarctican Second Stage."
A surprising choice for 5th spot, more so because it's surprising that Antarctica has not one but two stages. Why the second stage is better than the first sadly remains a mystery.

4th "West Street Live."
The one, the only West Street Live has been a strong and stable stage for the band, thoroughly deserving of fourth place.

3rd "That One in Texas I can't remember the name of."
The name may allude him but the allure of the beauty and sturdiness of the stage remains.

2nd "The Rio de Janeiro Grand Palladium."
At the top of many people's lists I'm sure, couldn't quite make it to the top of Tom's list though.

1st "The Washington."
The majesty, the tea-lights, the sheer wonder it uses to dominate the room on any night: the Washington's stage of wonders was always going to remain top of this list.









Saturday, 23 June 2018

It's All About the People

So Kate and random internet surfer called Steve, one of the many things I've learned from our dozen or so string of shows, is that the main thing that makes a show unique are the people you meet. Now I'm not like Tom, I'm not as obsessed with the stage. For him seeing a stage with tea-lights around it will instantly make the show, it's all he'll talk about for months. He's also more interested in the demographics of people: the amount of male/females who come to a show; how many of different ages; how many of different heights etc than meeting them. He's weird. For me meeting a stage hand who treats his job like a military operation will be what sticks with me. Seriously though, the stage hands at Corporation are amazing and hilarious, who knew that loading up a stage could be so fun?

Now, nobody really knows what goes through Rob's head. The man is an enigma. Some say he is actually a swarm of bees in human disguise. Whether that is true or not, he definitely seems to enjoy the technical side of gigs and working with the sound engineer. I feel like he could go for a cup of coffee with a sound engineer at each show, spending the entire time talking about what a singe knob on those mysterious dashboards does. I'm a drummer so I don't really relate to this. They flick some switches and the sound becomes better? Whatever, just give me something to whack. Some dials and buttons ain't gonna make the show for me, but when the announcer decides to swear at anyone who isn't bothering to get up and watch the music, i'll remember that.

John has a beard and likes to sing quite a lot at shows. He also likes to talk to the crowd in between songs, for some reason. I guess the people who come to watch us play must make the show for him then. However, the people who compliment his beard are the ones that will really make the gig for him. It's quite a useful rule to know that if you want something from him, just let him know his beard is looking particularly lush today, almost professorly, like a lumberjack. Then ask and you shall receive. I don't have a beard so I can't relate to this, but learning about the tastiness of Poutine from a favourite bassist of mine- that's important. What was the point of this post I hear you ask? There was literally none. But if you want to meet some interesting people then come to a show and talk to someone who looks weird I guess.

Sunday, 29 April 2018

Where Do We Play?


Now it's time to talk about venues of the musical variety, more specifically the venues we play at.
This way you can learn where you may find the band playing and if you ever decide to start a band in Sheffield, Kate and random internet surfer I like to call Steve, you can find out which are the best to play.

The Washington
Without a doubt Tom's favourite. He placed it at the top of his widely acclaimed list "Tom's Most Impressive Stages in the World 2018", managing to shockingly beat the Rio De Janeiro Palladium after several years at the top and "that one in Texas" as well. Why has the Washington managed to beat out these stages, in venues which cost far, far more to build? Well, the intimacy for the band members helps as Tom does like to be staring deep into my eyes at all times when playing a show. Also the tea lights around the stage show excellent effort to make it aesthetically pleasing and close proximity to the crowd means no need to strain his voice when yelling  at them. Overall, it is quite understandable how this stage made it to the top, despite the millions going into these stages known across the world, they don't quite have the charm of the Washington. Hopefully it can maintain that position in 2019.

Corporation
After frequenting this venue many, many, many times before, it's safe to say we felt familiarity with the venue. That is until we were introduced to the maze back stage proving that our knowledge of Corp wasn't as complete as originally thought, there are still more mysteries to discover.. Corp is generally bigger than the other venues we play. The wide selection of stages to play are bigger than usual for us, the bands we play with are more well known and the free entry to the club night after make it the most high quality venue we play. Most significantly it's the only venue we play with a stage crew which is very welcome as a drummer, and even more so for the positive, entertaining attitude they have there.

West Street Live
WSL has to be mentioned as we've played there more than anywhere else, for some reason they always say yes when we ask for a gig - bizarre. It's free entry which makes it easier to try and convince people to come  and watch us from the street, if I'm ever so inclined. Also the various deals on the drinks have noticeably  appealed to many bands visiting from outside Sheffield. Certainly, it's nice to finish a gig and have such a wide selection to choose from. The stage may not reach Tom's lofty standards, however it's certainly adequate enough for me and there's plenty of room for people to have a dance- as it's free there's usually randomers coming in from West Street, which is nice.

So there you go a summary of some of the venues we play at and why we like to play there- feel free to come along to some of these places for a show!

Police Thieves and Merchants: Chapter 6 Camping With Mackerel


8 hours had gone by and the trio hadn't heard a blast from the terrifying weapon. The forest continued around them though in the midst of the pitch blackness, forcing them to stumble and curse with it's array of surprises. One such surprise smacked Borg in the face as he carried himself forward, he let out a snarl and ripped the branch from his path.
Careful Borg,” Laurel cautioned quietly. “There are bears in these woods.”
There's also some nutter with a mysterious weapon capable of turning our heads to goop in a second.”
The goop weapon, that has a ring to it.”
Do not call it the goop weapon Laurel, it needs more respect than that.”
Well, what would you call it then?” Laurel asked loftily.
The face eater.”
It's called a firearm,” Crole said firmly from ahead, magenta tooth glinting in the moonlight.
Anyway, never mind what it's called, we should focus on getting away from it. The river should be here soon.” They caught up to him to catch him gazing wistfully into the night in front of him as if it was welcoming him into it's dark embrace.
Well, let's get going then, as long as we're heading north to claim what is now ours,” agreed Borg licking his lips expectantly as if he could eat his reward.
I'm going to be pissed off if the rest of the band gets the reward first, especially Sedrick – that one knows how to gloat.”
They kept on travelling through the forest up a gentle slope with a gnarled old oak tree marking the end of the forest at the top. Borg reached the top first, ready to stop for a rest and let his tired limbs recover. From below the others saw his clear interest as he peered through the branches to what lay beyond.
A fire,” he stated matter of factly as they reached him. Beyond the oak the forest opened out into a series of grassy fields illuminated in the moonlight and stretching into the distance. The forest continued along it's right edge to encircle it once again a mile or so away. Just beyond the tree-line on the far side of the fields a river swirled across the countryside reflecting silver by the moonlight. The three of them stared, then looked at the fire just within the forest to the right of the fields.
Could be him,” Borg muttered suddenly feeling the cold a lot more as he gazed at the fire.
Could be anyone!” argued Laurel, “but it is probably food.”
Borg's stomach continued to rumble, the desire to eat was strong within him.
We should get a closer look,” Crole said pointedly. “We know how to get close to a target without him seeing us.”
We don't need the food,” Borg answered.
We can hunt,” he said gesturing at the forest around them.
And how well has that gone throughout the night? Are you really that scared of him Borg?”
I'm pretty sure you wet yourself earlier.”
Laurel turned away, ignoring him. “I'm going.”
We're going,” Crole asserted moving stealthily down the path. Borg hesitated, then shook his head and followed. It wasn't like him to let fear get in the way of something like this, plus if they wanted to get to the river – the quickest way was past that fire, either through the forest or walking exposed across the fields.
It took half an hour to get close to the fire, the trio didn't say a word during this time. Despite his brave words earlier Laurel knew the danger and feared the loud, deadly weapon. Sweat trickled on his hands as he crouched forward, making the minimal amount of sound as the light from the flames drew closer. The woods cloaked around them; with trees and thick undergrowth hiding their every move; skill and practice enabling them to do so with the slightest of sounds: a slow draw of breath, a suction as feet edge out of the mud covering the floor or a slight creaking as a branch is gradually swept aside. Soon the crackling of the fire was masking the sounds they made. Laurel was the first to come in sight of it with the other two further behind. There was the makings of a camp surrounding the fire for a single person which set nerves cramping through his belly. Nevertheless, there was no-one in sight and several cooked fish simmering gently next to the merry flames. Dinner. Laurel quickly and silently swept in snatched up the fish and moved on his way beyond the camp. Fish meant a river and Laurel intended to get away and cross it; his comrades could catch up if all went well.
Crole cursed to himself, masking the controlled, quiet outburst under the trickle of a stream. He watched as Laurel made off with the fish: he would have to hurry to get a hint of that meal. The camp was nearly in sight and clearly empty by the way Laurel had confidently moved in, which begged the question – where are the camp occupiers? A quick, short tap on his shoulder broke his train of thought as Borg indicated for him to look right. Crole obliged and froze in shock. The dark, dangerous shadow of a man loomed fifteen paces in that direction. The shadow was casting about in the undergrowth, a large tube-like object in his hand. The moment his eyes registered the shape, Crole followed Borg in carefully shrinking away back up the forest path. He could feel his heart hammering painfully inside his chest as if attempting with all it's might to give away his location. As they stepped away the man straightened up. Silence stretched out suddenly, even the trickle from the stream appeared to be gone. Borg ran, Crole followed unable to contain his leg's apparent desperation to get away from there. They scampered through the woods in a repeated mad dash away from the fear-provoking weapon. They tripped and stumbled as branches clattered into their legs and roots reached up for their crunching feet.
The lone traveller returned to his fire wondering as to where the men who had decided to invade his camp had come from. Annoyance scratched at his neck when he saw the fish were gone and he kicked a piece of firewood off into the night. It had taken him all day to extract that fish from the raging river! Still, at least his cargo was still intact. He didn't know why wine was so rare in these parts but the circulating rumours were enough to persuade him to make the trip. Maybe the people of Batesmoor wouldn't pay as much as the cities that lay around this forgotten land, but they would still pay more than his country where wine could easily be found. In addition, he had reasoned, there would be other traders aiming for the cities – he wasn't likely to find any competition in these parts.
Only swift reflexes from a life on the road allowed him to duck under the garrotte that came looping over his head. A much too sloppy move to get him! His time as a merchant bodyguard ensured the reflexes displayed were followed through with a spin into a crouching defensive pose. The last movement he was allowed to make as his head was blown to smithereens with a terrific bang. The green man was quick to smash the wine and after inspecting the debris, stalked off towards the river.
The explosive sound paused Crole and Borg's terrific scrabble as fear curled in their chest for a second time.
Laurel?” Borge queried quietly. “What do we do?”
Keep moving,” was the gruff reply as Crole headed west- hopefully to an alternative crossing.
Laurel raced away heading downhill from the camp-site, his pack clanging against him with spectacular noise in the tranquil night. The explosion could only mean that the camp belonged to one certain person and that Crole or Borg or both were dead. His brain quietly assured him again and again that the green man would have seen him if he had noticed the other two and he will be here soon. His main hope was be the first to reach a crossing in the river. After that he would simply keep heading north faster than any possible pursuit. The threat of death should surely motivate him to move the fastest of the two. He was a young man, but not as fit as he could be – his legs were growing weary from the exhausting day as the roar of the water closed in on him. He burst through a final bush and looked out over the river gushing below. It was at least 100 metres wide and the water was travelling at an impressive pace, quashing any realistic chance of swimming across for the best of swimmers. Laurel searched about him, looking for an area that might be crossable. It was hopeless. The grey water slushed past laughing at his inadequate ability to escape. To jump in would be to put himself at the mercy of the roaring element, to lose the cargo and put himself at incredible risk. He paused and glance back towards the woods. Which option contained the greatest risk? Had the green man even seen him?
A crack behind him to his left caused Laurel to leap in fear nearly tumbling into the swirling current below. He braced himself enough to glance up and find the source of the sound. The green man was stepping round a tree on a ridge overlooking his position by the river. The tube was being raised up expectantly seeking out it's target. Laurel dived instantly arcing out away from the muddy ledge. The dirt where he had stood splayed up as the explosive sound he dread ricocheted around the riverside and then all he knew was water. Water flooded everywhere around him taking away his ability to move, hear, see or smell. He simply crashed onwards with the river as the dirty water taste filled his mouth, quickly leaving the green man far behind.

Sunday, 25 March 2018

The Important Stuff

It is time to get back to the important stuff: dancing. I observed in the post below (Damn You Are So Lucky) that all humans have forgotten how to dance, and it is up to the 4th best dancer in the world (me) to retrain humanity in the most awesome of arts.

Now in the first post we went through the Lawnmower. Unfortunately, that hasn't gone viral yet so I haven't seen crowds of people lawmowering their way to work.. However, it remains a matter of time until this happens. I am aware that those of you that have begun using the lawnmower in your long, long journey back to dancing redemption, will already be craving additional dances to add to your personal arsenal of moves. I mean, gigs can last a few hours.. that's a long time to be doing the same dance move over and over.... even if it is as epic and majestic as the lawnmower.

Fortunately, some of you have been especially motivated to re-educate the human race and have been creating some new moves! I have a couple of these to share with you from a man who only referred to himself as... Jagerlad. These are tentaviely named "Changing the Lightbulb" and "Feeding the Chickens".

Both these moves are even simpler than the lawnmower and require their own unique experiences to perform. In order to complete "Changing the Lightbulb" you merely have to be an adult or an extra responsible child to have the experience necessary: changing a light bulb (shocking I know). Now the light bulbs in question are imaginary and numerous.. never-ending in fact, and always within arms reach. To perform the move you simply have to twist as many light bulbs off as you can in time to the music, alternating from right hand to left hand, and then twisting new light bulbs back on.. after you've done a few dozen. This can be particularly good during a catchy chorus.

For "Feeding the Chickens" you may have to have experience working on a farm or own some chickens to qualify for the necessary experience. I appreciate that this may take a bit of time so you can probably get the knowledge required by watching a youtube video of someone feeding some chickens.. here you go:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjiJujnqWA0

All studied up? Now that you are a chicken feeding swot the dance move will be easy for you to master. Simply, in time to the music you wanna throw some imaginary food to some imaginary chickens gathering around you. Generally when beginning it is easier to imagine throwing food to around a dozen chickens but gradually you can work your way up to feeding hundreds. For further challenge replace the word "chickens" with "cheetahs" and act that out in time to the music.

And that's it for this introduction to two new dance moves courtesy of Jagerlad  Feel free to mix it up, swapping between these and the Lawnmower within the same song. Needless to say, I will expect to see many people changing light bulbs and feeding various species of animal at our next gig when this post inevitably goes viral.

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Police, Thieves and Merchants Chapter 5: Can Will Must


Can Will Must

Sandra stared hard at the thief's hand edging toward his knife as he stared towards where his thieving comrades had disappeared into the thick, green habitat surrounding him.
She wondered if Kendra's plan would work as she moved slowly to a poised position at the edge of the clearing.
How will I get rid of him now that she's left him behind?”she pondered. Her mind flitted to possibilities and managed to get distracted. She thought of how much easier it would be if she had the power to bring down lightning. She could get rid of the threat with one smashing strike. However then there would be the potential damage to the injured merchant to consider, as well as herself and anyone else in the forest. Would it be possible for the lighting to cause a fire? If so how long would it take for it to spread? Would she have time to put it out or would she have to peg it? Possibly grabbing the merchant and dragging him along. Could she bear to leave a living, innocent man to face the raging inferno she had created?
The sharp hiss of steel brought her mind back to the present. How long had she lost focus? The thief held the knife over the merchant, a sneer on his lips.
Too bad you won't tell us where to go, it was a simple question.”
The north! The north! There are tons of cities in the north! Just keep heading that way and you'll be able to find someone who knows better.”
Too vague... too... vague, we might as well kill you on sight for such useless information.”
Sandra was breathing harder, she couldn't believe she'd lost concentration! As her confidence flickered she forced herself to strengthen her resolve. She can do this. She will. She must.
The stone arced through the air and fizzed behind the thief's head only to crash into the bracken on the far side of the open area. The thief was alert at once and turning towards the sound, knife warily waving out in front of him. Sandra was off as soon as she threw the stone, bare feet skipping across the ground, breath shallow in her ears.
Inside her mind she was praying that he wouldn't turn round. It was such a simple trick but it could work as long as she was quick, silent and unrelenting. Her foot snagged a thorn and lip tightened a the thief yelled
Who goes there?! Come and face me!” Raw power and aggression evident in his voice, with arm open as if in welcome to an attack. The merchant on the ground gasped as the thief was struck hard against his skull. Sandra felt the juddering, crunching blow through her arm at the impact of her blunt weapon. The thief saw white and staggered but managed to whip round the knife sawing at the air. The stick cracked and broke once again against the thief's head. Sandra had managed to anticipate and circle around the knife's path as she moved in for her attack. As the thief fell sprawling onto the floor Sandra went to her pack to remove her irons and lock him up. She hurried, having no idea how successful Kendra had been. Once done she grabbed the merchant and left the clearing leaving the thief locked up in the centre. She had no time to escort the villain to Batesmoor but if Kendra did come back they could take the thieves, the wine and the merchant together. However, if Kendra had failed and potentially had been killed Sandra was losing potential running time by waiting. The merchant was wheezing next to her, occasionally questioning why they weren't running. Sandra waited and listened to the sounds of the forest. A bird calling to it's mate among the treetops and a rustle to her left as a small mammal moved through the debris from a fallen tree. There was no sound of a return by Kendra or the thieves yet. She stopped and waited to see the consequences of her decision. She could only wait a few minutes.

Kendra sprinted through the undergrowth, wine under her arm. She didn't need the thieves to follow her far, just a few hundred yards to seal their demise. Unfortunately, they were proving better sprinters than she would have guessed and were hurtling after her down the path. The closest had a knife drawn with a look part of hunger, part of fury on his face. His long gangly legs producing heavy footfalls that resounded around Kendra's head as she ran. The second was just a step behind him as far as she could tell, his pace more considered more measured. As she glanced back however she saw the look of fury on him too.
Good,” thought Kendra as the gap between them closed further and further. Their heavy breathing just behind spurred her on as they scrabbled and jumped down the cluttered and unpredictable forest path. She jumped over a particularly hazardous root and landed well, only to hear a pursuer come jumping over a second later. They were almost upon her! She zig-zagged as the nearest made a lurch for her feeling the knife whistle past dangerously close to her back. She twisted away and stumbled against a solid rock or root hidden under the carpet of leaves. She fell backwards watching as a look of triumph emerged across the thief's face. She gasped aloud as the thief made a second lunge. At that moment her foot kicked out catapulting her to the side of the path. The thief's momentum carried him forward, past the point where she fell to launch head first forward through the blanket of leaves that covered the trap below. The second thief was a moment behind cartwheeling his arms as the depth of the trap was revealed to him. Kendra had quickly bounced back from her fake fall to pivot round with arms planted on the edge of the trap and feet spiralling round to kick the remaining thief in the backside and send him sprawling into his comrade below.


Friday, 2 March 2018

Band Watching 2.0


Band Watching

So this is the blog post where I point out some bands that I've enjoyed on our many great journeys gigging across the entire of... Sheffield, so far. While none of these bands have agreed to do the lawnmower dance with me they did pay some great music, and I guess that's something to look for in a band as well? To be clear though, when another band does the lawnmower they will be the highlight of this list.

Frank Grimes and the Disasters
I suspect these guys may be fans of American cartoons for some reason.... I love the name and I enjoyed the music when they joined us in supporting Courage my Love at Corporation in November. Their tunes are catchy pop punk- right up my street, and very singable- I wished I knew the lyrics when we saw them perform live but I had to make do with saying “something something something” over and over. It's refreshing to know that there is a pop punk band like this so close to us (based in Barnsley) that I can follow. Check out their youtube channel for music and lyrics videos of their songs.... https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVBROfMFgtLoeO0ykkby5gg

Ample Funk
Funky, funky, funksters. I'm not sure if funksters is a word, probably not, but these guys deserve the title as they provide exactly what their name suggests with ample amount of funk. I literally could not stop my knee jerking to the sound of the bass as they played through their set at the Washington, keeping me mesmerized throughout. They fortunately have uploaded some of their funky songs onto youtube so everyone can enjoy the funkiness.. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiX-Hy2fJOl136ELUPB5Yvg

Idle Gentlemen
Finally idle gentlemen, who I also saw at our Washington gig, were very stylish on stage and also played some groovy rock music. I especially enjoyed the powerful vocals but the entire band kept me very much entertained- very easy to head bang too. They also have a youtube and soundcloud where you can check out some of their super cool tunes.. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFarWdCFYdrInZ4mYYxrqKg/videos
https://soundcloud.com/idlegentlemen


That's it for the blog this week, check back for more band watching; dance moves; lyrics explaining or rages against the system of clowns that keep balloons enslaved to the ground.